


So Say Goodbye

by sweetpeapoppy



Category: Formula 1 RPF
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-20
Updated: 2017-02-20
Packaged: 2018-09-25 22:02:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,158
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9847976
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sweetpeapoppy/pseuds/sweetpeapoppy
Summary: Goodbye is a hard word to say, so sometimes it's best to leave it as a maybe.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Originally written for the Motorskink prompt: "End of season goodbyes. No particular pairings in mind, I just would like to see a pairing (or even more than one if you'd like to) saying their goodbyes, facing the impending summer break separation and dealing (or attempting to deal) with it."
> 
> [Originally posted: December 2012]

“So when’s your flight?” Nico asked, absently flicking an invisible piece of fluff off his shirt. Sprawled across the hotel bed he watched Paul walk from one side of the room to the other in an effort to retrieve his belongings.

“Where is it?” Paul huffed.

“No, _when_.” Nico repeated.

“ _Where_ is it.” Paul completely ignored Nico’s question and continued to desperately find his favourite tee shirt, he knew he brought it from Austin, he made sure a hundred times. It lasted the whole season, and he wasn’t going to leave Brazil without it.

“Where’s what?” Nico gave up trying to find out and took Paul’s lead.

“My shirt, the blue one.” Paul sighed.

“Oh right, haven’t seen that.” Nico peered around the room, trying to look like he was helping, but if he was being honest he thought it was about time Paul lost something, he has gone the whole season without losing a single item of clothing, a shoe, or a suitcase. Smiling to himself Nico knew he’d had a blast travelling the world with Paul for another year, as equals, as friends, and as lovers.

“It’s my favourite one!” Paul wailed as he shoved his hands under the bed in vain.

“Mine too, you look good in it.” It was cut on the slim side Nico remembered, it was just tight enough to show off all the hours in the gym. He was going to miss those late night sessions.

“Yeah?” The tone of Nico’s voice stopped Paul dead, he sounded relaxed and happy. He should do Paul thought, he’d had a brilliant day. “You reckon?” Knelt on the floor Paul rested his chin on the bed and looked up at Nico.

“Ja, I like how it shows your body off.” Nico admitted, looking at Paul from under heavy eyelids. “I love you in it.”

Paul blushed fiercely, he couldn’t help it, he had never been comfortable with that side of himself whereas Nico had no issue in striding out of  
the bathroom completely naked with a few drops of water clinging to his skin. He was going to miss that treat in the evenings.

“Help me find it then.” Paul implored, hoping that by some miracle Nico would discover it. He doubted it though, why would Nico even care? He said all these things but he was the one that was leaving, he didn’t even say he was looking elsewhere. Not that he could Paul reasoned, but Nico didn’t bother warning him before the official announcement, he only found out when a friend sent him the link to it online.

“Okay.” Nico sighed quietly getting to his feet, usually a comment like that would result in Paul licking his lips before joining him on the bed, his mouth would have been focused on his neck as they stripped. Paul’s lips with the help of his tongue would have trailed down Nico’s chest and stomach before nimble fingers would deftly release his cock from his jeans. Then the heat of his mouth would seep through the thin material of his boxers.

“You going to help then?” The Scot asked gruffly breaking Nico out of his vivid daydream, but seeing his face look dreamily up at him when he stretched his arms out to him made him think that they could make this work. Maybe. “Lazy.” The Scot chastised with a small smile, just the thing Nico realised he wouldn’t be able to see when he wanted, Esteban’s smile was nowhere near as perfect

“Leading the race is tiring.” Nico pouted. The pair were stood facing each other with their chests a breath apart.

“Yeah, bet it is.” Paul breathed, running a hand through Nico’s short blonde hair, falling for him all over again. “I’m so proud of you, you drove brilliantly.” Gently pressing his lips to Nico’s, Paul took in every inch of warmth Nico offered. With his fingers curled through short blonde hair Paul brought Nico’s body flush to him but didn’t further the kiss, instead he continued to keep it slow and luxurious, savouring him before he slipped away.

“I’m just glad you’re okay.”Nico inhaled sharply before he kissed Paul again, but this time there was more urgency in his actions. He caught the replay after the race and seeing him slam into the barrier made his heart stop, and the confetti of carbon fibre tore at his nerves until only being able to pull Paul into a tight hug around the back of the motorhome would calm him.

“I’m fine.” Breaking the embrace Paul rested his forehead against Nico’s, panting heavily he squeezed his eyes shut to create a barrier to trap his fears behind. But it didn’t work, the enormity of the darkness inside him was determined to break out and a small sniff gave him away.

“Sure about that?” Nico tried to look Paul in the eye, but the Scot wouldn’t allow it. “Paul?”

It was a little shudder to begin with but within moments Paul was sobbing heavily into Nico’s neck, his body wracked with anxiety about what was about to happen. “I...I...don’t want to...do this."

The fragility of Paul’s voice made the tears run down Nico’s face, Paul was meant to be the strong, stoic one but here he was an emotional wreck in Nico’s arms about the off season. But Nico couldn’t speak, he knew they should have spoken about this before but mutual avoidance left them in a Brazilian hotel room unable to move.

Paul clung onto Nico like he was the only thing keeping him alive, he had tried to ignore his move to Sauber since the announcement was made as if it was some cruel joke. But he couldn’t anymore, especially since Esteban made that joke about _taking care of Nico_. They had two great years together Paul thought, it easy at the same team as they didn’t need an excuse to see each other. Team building, team meetings, team quickie in the motorhome. Team. Not any more.

Now their meetings were going to be subject to speculation and scrutiny. _What were you doing with Nico? Why were you seen hanging around the Sauber motorhome? Why do you stare at Nico?_ The dark thoughts he’d been having were at the surface now.

“You’re really going to Sauber aren’t you?” Paul mumbled against Nico’s skin.

“Yeah,” Nico whispered into Paul’s hair, “I’m going to miss having you about. Esteban is so young, we’ll have nothing in common.”

Paul’s relief was palpable but the ache in his heart wouldn’t diminish and he was sure it never would, how could it if Nico was wearing the wrong colours? “Good.”

“You don’t want me to get on with him?” Nico smiled at Paul’s jealously, but it soon disappeared from his face.

“No.” Paul tore himself away from Nico’s body and created enough distance so he could think clearly. “I only want you to get on with me.”

“Going to be an awkward year for me then.” Nico tried a smile but the storm in Paul’s expression rendered it useless. “Paul don’t be like this, the off season is going to be hard enough as it is without us parting on an argument.”

Paul was leaning on the desk, his arms and legs crossed as a barrier to Nico but when the German stood next to him he angled his head towards him, instinctively seeking out his shoulder. “We’re never going to see each other properly again, are we.”

“Paul, the off season is over a hundred days long, we’ve got plenty of time.” Nico tried to soothe Paul with a kiss to the temple.

“And how much of that are you going to spend in Switzerland? And in Germany. Last year was so much easier.” Paul sighed.

“Of course it was I was just a test driver.” Nico was beginning to feel annoyed, did Paul only want him because he was convenient?

“Hmm.” Paul agreed quietly, his eyes glued to the floor.

“Is that it, did you only want to be with me because I’m easy to get to when you want someone?” Nico took a few steps away from Paul to try and dampen down the anger burning the back of his throat.

“It was just _easier_.” Paul was resolute.

“Yeah, me just following you around like some pathetic puppy waiting for a bit of attention.” Nico yelled with a waver in his voice, he was unsure as to what was happening. He felt like his world was falling apart and he couldn’t do anything to stop it.

There was a lump in Paul’s throat that stopped him from talking, having to hurt Nico was bad enough, he didn’t want to go so far they would never speak again but he wasn’t sure he would get both. As his chest contracted painfully at the sadness plastered over Nico’s face he knew he would never get both, so he’d decided to have nothing would be easier.

“What are you trying to do?” Nico shouted. “If you want me to go, just say it.” Biting back the tears he shouted louder to hide them away.

“You’re leaving anyway! You’re fucking off without a look behind. You didn’t even tell me you were going, I had to find out online!” Paul screamed with a veracity Nico had never heard before and it scared him.

“I’m sorry.” Nico whispered, shocked that he had hurt him so much and not realised.

“It’s too late.” Paul spoke with an air of finality that chilled them both.

“No, Paul it’s not. It’s not.” Nico rushed to stand close to Paul to hold his face in his hands tightly, making him look into his eyes. “It’s not if we don’t want it to be.” Nico couldn’t hold the tears back anymore, they streamed down his face messily.

Paul just shook his head.

“Paul, no.” Nico whimpered, holding on tighter than ever. “Please.” He threw his arms around Paul's neck and tried to breathe, but he couldn't take the air in properly. The thought of Paul leaving him alone made him hyperventilate.

“It’s not going to work if we're apart." Paul tried to ignore Nico falling apart in his arms, but he could only pretend to be heartless.

"It can. It can. Please...don't...leave...me." Nico sobbed.

"Nico, don't." Paul bit hard on his lip to stop himself cracking but within moments he flung his arms around Nico and began sobbing too. "I don't want to."

"Then don't, we'll make it work." Nico mustered every ounce hope within him.

Stood in the dim glow of the bedside lamp Paul mumbled something against the damp skin of Nico's neck. Nico couldn't make it out and so tired from the outpouring of emotion he suggested getting into bed before asking Paul to repeat himself. They lay facing each other, exhausted from crying the only sound that permeated the air was their laboured breathing.

"What did you say?" Nico said eventually.

Paul took a huge breath and gazed into Nico eyes, as he looked at him the realisation of what he could have lost due to his own stupidity hit him. He needed to say it.

"I love you." He stated simply.

Paul didn't think it would fix what he'd tried to do but he didn't expect see Nico's face crease up and tears begin to fall again. "Why did you do that then?" Nico rolled onto his back and stated at the ceiling.

"I can't lose you." Paul propped himself up on an elbow so he he see Nico's face.

"But you were willing to send me away." Nico hauled himself off the bed swiftly, "That's not love." He had reached the door and had hesitated for a moment with his hand on the knob. "Paul, I need..."

"Time?" Paul finished for him.

"Yeah, meet at the airport?" Nico relaxed his face for Paul to see all was not lost, yet.

"We've got the same flight." Paul reassured him from the bed. “I’ll be there.”

Nico opened the door slowly with a heavy heart, he wasn’t sure how he was going to face tomorrow’s flight, or tomorrow at all after tonight. He felt truly devastated that Paul found it so easy to throw away their relationship. Then, with one step into the corridor he found himself rushed by Paul. Pressed up against the wall opposite Nico was hungrily kissed by him, his tongue invading his mouth eagerly with hands planted on his arse.

“If I’ve fucked this up...” Paul shook his head out of the kiss.

“I just need time.” Nico breathed. Leaving Paul behind Nico traipsed back to his room slowly, trying to figure out exactly how he was going to work this out. He wished he hadn’t left that blue shirt on the bed though, burying his face in it he breathed in until his lungs were about to burst.

Maybe.


End file.
